The Post-Relationship Post-Mortem
Now let’s dig deeper and think about some of the other reasons why things went wrong with your ex. At first glance, this may seem pretty simple, especially if you were given explicit reasons as to why your girlfriend didn’t want to continue the relationship. However, there is almost always more to it than meets the eye.
This part may be painful, but rest assured that it is very necessary. Our goal here is not only to win your girlfriend back, but to ensure you do not end up right back in this spot again. Therefore, you have to take an honest look at things.
Where It All Went Wrong
Your first reaction may be to say something like this: “Things were great, and then all of a sudden, she just changed!” You may say, “She seemed to lose interest and started acting weird,” or “I really don’t know what went wrong.”
However, in nearly all cases, if you’re honest with yourself you can identify the exact reasons why she decided to call it quits.
If she clearly told you the factors that led to her decision, then you don’t need to dwell on this point too much. In fact, you might as well move onto the next section of this book. But before you do, make sure that you take into account not just the obvious, major problems, but also the minor ones. You might as well address them all.
Maybe you really don’t know where things went wrong. If this is the case, there are a few things you can do. If the break up just happened, you can try to find out. You can talk to mutual friends and see if they’ll give up the goods, or even her own friends if you feel confident that they will be honest with you. However, if it has been some time since the breakup, we would rather have you continue no-contact instead of going after information.
Otherwise, you need to dig deep. Recall your arguments. What were they about? I’m not talking about surface stuff, like “I left my wet towel on the floor again.” I’m talking about the root problems. With the towel example, the root problem (from her point of view) may have been that you were inconsiderate and expected her to constantly pick up after you. You might have seen it as no big deal, but she saw it as a pattern of rude, selfish behavior.
Think about everything. Was your sex life satisfying (for both of you?) Was it getting boring or routine? What about communication? Did you talk often with her? When she did want to talk (as all women want to, from time to time), did you begrudgingly agree to talk, but not really engage in the conversation?
We talked about what women want in a potential boyfriend, fiancé or husband, but what about what they want within a relationship? Once you have the attraction part down, what are they looking for? For one thing, they want communication. There is no good time for you to retreat into a shell and stop interacting with your significant other. You may find it annoying that she wants to talk about feelings or give you the complete rundown of her day (which sounds totally uninteresting to you). However, in order to keep a woman feeling bonded to you, you need to show her that you’re a good listener and you actually care about what she has to say.
In other words, if you are going to talk to her or listen to her vent about her day in order to make her happy, go the extra mile. Actively listen and ask her questions that indicate to her that you are interested. It will go a long way, trust me.
When you watch a movie, you can enjoy it on the surface level. Think about just being entertained, not analyzing anything, not reading into anything. This is how you might watch a summer blockbuster. Now think about examining a movie more closely. You can pay close attention to the performances of the actors, or even try to notice the music and what it tells you about a scene. You can notice the camera angles and the cinematography. That’s going below the surface.
Maybe the movie is asking a question or posing a philosophical conundrum of some sort. This is how some people really analyze and get into movies. Even if you just prefer to relax with some popcorn and zone out, this “closer examination” is the way you must dissect what went wrong with your relationship.
Look past the surface problems and dig deeper, as deep as you can, and figure out what really bothered her. Then, you can start working on fixing it.