Tales From the Front Lines: The Cuddle Buddy
One of the most cringe-inducing stories I’ve ever heard was about a friend-of-a-friend, who we’ll call James. James was completely devastated due to a recent breakup with his girlfriend, Amy. James was convinced that Amy was his only shot at real love, and that he had to get her back at all costs. Little did he know that the only thing he would get is a taste of indentured servitude.
James, like so many other guys I’ve known, never even thought to try a no-contact approach. Instead, he put on the full-court press right after the breakup, doing his best to pressure Amy into getting back together with him. Predictably, the more he tried to pull her towards him, the more she kept him at arm’s length. She would allow him to hang out with her now and then, but only when she was bored, lonely, or had nothing better to do.
Eventually, she got really lonely (she had dated a little but hadn’t found a steady boyfriend yet), and after inviting James over, she asked him if he wanted to climb in bed with her “just to cuddle.” James, of course, thought to himself, “Hell yeah! This is my chance!” He figured that after a few minutes of bodily contact, Amy would lose control of her libido and no longer be able to resist him.
Boy, was he wrong. She said “just to cuddle,” and she meant it. But James was so excited to even be close to her that he could not bring himself to turn her down. So in the weeks and months that followed, she would frequently call him to come over—not to fool around or even talk, but because she didn’t want to sleep alone or wanted someone to hold her. James had been relegated to the status of “cuddle buddy.”
Her friends even referred to him by that emasculating term, and while he didn’t really like it, he was too into Amy to stand up for himself and tell her that he wasn’t going to be used like that.
What happened next? Well, before long, Amy met a guy who she was sexually attracted to, and her clueless cuddle buddy, James, was no longer of any use to her. That’s when she cut him loose for good.
See, Amy had no problem using James to avoid feeling lonely after their breakup. However, as soon as she had a real boyfriend who could take care of those needs, James was kicked to the curb and forgotten about. If James had done the right thing and put his foot down, Amy’s loneliness would have led her to break down and give their relationship another chance. Instead, he didn’t have the self-control and self-respect to take the right actions, so he ended up getting tossed aside.
Have you heard the old saying, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” It’s often used to talk about women who have sex with men before they are in a committed relationship, but the analogy works here, too. The primary reason to avoid the temptation to be “friends with your ex” is that if you do, she will have no incentive to get back together with you.
And of course, you don’t want to help her to “get over” you…you don’t want her to get over you at all! You want her to miss you, to need you, to want you back!
As for how you’re going to use this time apart from her to your advantage, we’ll cover that in our next step. But before we continue, it’s very important that you understand what you read in this step. You absolutely have to take an extended “time out” and cease communication. As I said earlier, if she reaches out to you, you can give her a short, upbeat reply. But that’s it. You should not be the one who reaches out to her during the No Contact period.
There are, however…