Rules Of Approaching Women
There are only two possible outcomes: she’s going to be fun, or boring. I got this simple but ingenious piece of advice from my friend Jon Sinn, the famed pickup artist. Don’t think in terms of her accepting you or rejecting you. Tell yourself that she’s either going to be a fun person to get to know, or she’s going to be boring and not worth your time. If she gives you the cold shoulder, it’s not a “rejection.” She’s just boring, and you don’t waste your time with boring people, so you politely excuse yourself and move on. If she’s friendly, then she’s being fun, and you’ll stick around and get to know more about her. This is an empowering mindset to have whenever you approach a woman.
Never ask permission to talk to her or apologize for your presence. Don’t say, “Pardon me, can I ask you a question?” Don’t ask her if she’s busy. Assume that she’ll be interested in what you have to say, and launch right into the conversation. This may seem impolite; we’re brought up to believe we shouldn’t talk to strangers, and that if you need to talk to a stranger then you should apologize up front.
High status men, however, don’t behave this way. Trying to start a conversation with girl by asking permission, or sounding apologetic, sets the wrong tone. Don’t surrender your power! Believe that you’re the most fun, interesting guy she could possibly meet in this place—and then back it up by engaging her in a fun, interesting conversation. I’ll give you the tools to make this happen.
Never open with a yes/no question. To this, she can simply give a “yes” or “no” answer and the conversation won’t flow. Your questions should be open ended to encourage her to think, share and express herself. If it can be answered with “yes” or “no,” don’t ask it. Any question can be “spun” to become open-ended.
Closed-ended question: “Are you from around here?”
Open-ended question: “I can tell you’re not from around here. You have this friendly, laidback vibe that I don’t see with most of the girls in this town. A lot of them are just pretending to be cool, but you seem real—and I appreciate that.”
(I could be totally wrong; she might have been born down the street. That’s okay. We’ll share a laugh over how wrong my guess was. The conversation will flow either way.)
When using an opinion or question opener, anchor it with a reason. (Use the word “because.”) Otherwise it sounds like you’re taking a survey—or repeating an opener you learned in a book. Studies have shown that by simply attaching a reason to your request, people are far more likely to go along with it. It’s a funny quirk of human psychology. Notice that in some of the examples I gave above (the “does kissing count as cheating” and “stripper bachelor party” openers), I used “because” to tie the question to a funny little story.
Another example: “Let me get your opinion on something real quick, because my friend is going through a funny situation with this guy she started dating…”
(I often tell the story of my friend Sarah, who started dating a super-handsome dude with perfect hair who was showing signs that he might be secretly gay. Like the fact that he was totally obsessed with the TV show “Glee” and knew all the words to Celine Dion’s greatest hits…)
Be on your way somewhere else. One of the biggest reasons why women get fidgety and blow guys off after a minute or two is that they worry how long they’ll have to talk to him. When some random guy comes walking up and tries to start a conversation, the girl may be already tensing up—thinking to herself, “If I’m friendly to him, is he going to stand here and try to talk my ear off for the next hour?” You can eliminate this concern by mentioning how you can “only stay for a minute.”
“Hi, I can only stay for a minute, but let me ask you…”
“Let me get your opinion real quick…”
“Hey, I need to go meet my friends in a second, I just want to tell you…”
You will almost never get shut down by girls if they know your question or comment is only going to require a moment of her time. Then, you’re in the door—and you’ll get a chance to display your personality and work the Five Phases. (Once the conversation starts to flow, feel free to stick around as long as you like!)
Your body language and tone of voice must be congruent with your words. If you’re avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, or talking way too fast, the effect of a clever opener will be lost. Your body language should be relaxed. Stand tall. Speak slowly. Look her in the eye and smile.
For any question you ask, have your own opinions and stories to share. This applies to anything you say during the conversation. If you ask for her opinion about your buddy Ted and whether his girlfriend was wrong to demand that he de-friend his ex-girlfriend on Facebook, you should express how you feel about it after she’s done answering your question. This is your opportunity to plant seeds in her mind about your own positive qualities.
Don’t totally contradict what she says. Understand and respect her answer, and then put your own “spin” on it that emphasizes positive things about you—such as the fact that you value things like honesty, commitment, loyalty, discretion, or the importance of letting go of the past and focusing on the present and future.
“Y’know, Mandy, it’s interesting that you feel that way. I have to say, if I’m dating someone, I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with her staying in touch with her ex—I’d just want her to be honest about it. When I date someone it’s really important for me to be able to trust them, because they can completely trust me. There shouldn’t be any secrets.”
“You’re so right, Mandy. She should ask him to get rid of that scrapbook of him and his ex, because that’s the past…and when I’m in a relationship with someone it’s about us, right now, and where we’re going in the future.”
I mentioned discretion as being another “seed” (positive quality of yours) to demonstrate. When I’m aiming to get a girl to come home with me tonight, I’ll often get her opinion on a quick story that allows me to plant the “discretion seed.” (Women hate the thought of guys blabbing to their friends about their “conquests.” Let her know, you’re not kind of guy who will “kiss and tell.” This will eliminate that concern from her mind—that if you bang her, she’ll wind up being a story you share with your pals tomorrow night at the bar.)
“So my buddy Mike just texted me, he had a shitty day at work because last night there was a company party, and the tequila shots started flowing, and he wound up going home with this girl he works with. They’d been flirting with each other for months, and last night they finally hooked up. So this morning he goes into work, turns on his computer, and he’s got five emails from different co-workers congratulating him about his ‘big night’ with Wanda from the accounting department. It turns out the girl he hooked up with told a bunch of people, which is totally not cool…I’m a guy who believes in discretion. Never kiss and tell.”
Next, if the girl you’re interested in is with a group, approach the group. Don’t try to wait until she steps away from her friends—if you approach her then, there’s a good chance that one of her friends will show up and drag her back to the group. Use your opener on the group but don’t give any indication which of the girls is your target. You’ll want to wait until the conversation is flowing, and you’ve demonstrated some positive qualities, until you start focusing your attention on “the one.”
Remember, the purpose of your opener and first topic is not to sweep the woman off her feet. It’s to get you in the door and get the conversation flowing. It’s during the conversation that you will display your cool, charming personality and build her interest and attraction. Of course, none of this can happen if you aren’t able to successfully open her in the first place.
Also remember, every “opinion” you ask her about, and every little story you share, should have a purpose behind it. It’s not just about getting her to talk and share with you. It’s about you using that topic to plant seeds about yourself.
The questions about cheating, relationships, etc. are only meant to start the conversation. These are not topics you want to dwell on for ten minutes, because you won’t want her to start going on about her bastard ex-boyfriend or thinking about the time some guy cheated on her and dumped her.
It is your job to keep the conversation moving forward, using Hooks & Ladders. I’ll explain this concept more in a moment.
Now let’s move past the Opener and proceed to Phase Two.