Phase Two: Build the Bond

Phase Two: Build the Bond

build the bond Spend some time getting to know about her and share a few interesting details about yourself (your talents, ambitions, passions).

To get her to share, use statements, stories and guesses instead of asking her questions. Be unpredictable, unlike all the other guys who go into “interview mode” with her. Here are some examples.

Predictable: “So where do you work?”

Unpredictable: “I get the sense there’s a lot more to you than meets the eye. Let me take a wild guess—you’re a heart surgeon by day, but your true passion is kickboxing.”

Predictable: “Where are you from originally?”

Unpredictable: “I bet you’re from the East Coast. You remind me of my friend Jessica, she dresses in the same cool style as you, and she’s got a really fun attitude.”

(Note: It doesn’t matter whether you are wrong or right. Your “guesses” can be downright silly. Either way, you’re entertaining her and inviting her to fill in the blanks and tell you more.)

Predictable: “So have you seen the new Brad Pitt movie?”

Unpredictable: “My friend Chad has a big date tomorrow, the girl is coming over to his house and he’s cooking them dinner. He asked me which DVD they should watch after dinner. I was thinking something romantic and funny would be best. What do you think the perfect date movie would be?”

Always have your own positive qualities ready to mention. If she tells you about her job and how she’s passionate about it, now you can mention one of your passions. If you hate your job right now, don’t mention it! Bond with her over the fact that she’s passionate about her job, and you’re passionate about snowboarding. Or writing. Or travel. Here’s your opportunity to talk about your passion and use it as a way to connect with her.

Women are like talent scouts—they want to see your potential, and often that’s more important than where you are in life right now. As long as you can convey passion and exciting things you are working towards, they’ll be interested in going along for the ride.

This stage is also known as “comfort building.” She needs to feel comfortable with you before she starts feeling attraction. This means you want to keep the mood light, playful and positive. No depressing subjects. If your opener was about cheating & relationships, Step Two means you move past that and talk her about other topics that put her in a good mood, reveal that you have things in common with her, and that you appreciate and support the things she is doing in her life or working towards. Pay her thoughtful compliments (e.g. get her to reveal a passion of hers, and then tell her how cool you think that is).

Another great tactic for “building the bond” is to make plans to do things together in the future. For example, plan a road trip: “I’m looking forward to taking another road trip soon. Have you ever done that? Packed up your car with a cooler full of food and beers, and hit the open road with your friends to go somewhere new?”

Then, make a “plan” to do the same with her. This plan will probably never happen—it can actually be crazy and ridiculous:

You: “I bet you’d be an awesome traveling companion. What’s a country you’ve always wanted to visit?”

Her: “France.”

You: “OK, France it is. But if we’re going to do it right, we’re going to need some serious cash—so here’s the plan. You and me go on a cross-country bank-robbing spree, like Bonnie & Clyde. I do the stickups, you drive the getaway car. Deal?”

Or, mention some amazing destination you went to…and get her to reveal some exotic place she has always wanted to go to. Then make a “plan.”

I met a girl recently who told me her dream was to go to Venice, Italy because her “hidden passion” was art. She worked a 9-to-5 corporate job, but her dream was to be a painter. So I said to her…

“OK, it’s a plan. You and me are moving to Venice. I’ll support us by getting a job working as a gondolier, paddling tourists around the canal and collecting tips. You’ll work on your paintings, and eventually you’ll be hailed as the next Picasso and you’ll open your own gallery, sell your paintings for a million bucks a pop, and we’ll live a life of luxury.”

The crazier these “plans” sound, the better they work—because she’ll be more likely to play along and say “sure, why not! Sounds great!”

The idea is to get her in the mind-frame that the two of you are going to hang out in the future and have fun times and adventures together. It’s a way of building the idea in her mind that the two of you have a “relationship” now and it will go beyond tonight—even if you only met twenty minutes ago.

Getting her psyched up about going on some fun, crazy adventure also creates the perfect opportunity for you to start building physical contact with her. Give her a high-five. Ask her where she wants to travel to, and then give your own answer. Thumb-wrestle her to decide where the two of you will go.

What you’re doing here is injecting fun into the conversation in a huge way. My friend Jon Sinn the pickup artist always says, “fun is the ultimate attraction switch.” And he’s right. The guy who makes her feel the most fun is the guy she’ll want to keep hanging out with.

Labeling is also part of this step. This means that you apply a “label” to her and reinforce to her that she’s a fun, spontaneous person who is up for new things. Talk to her about travel, make some vague “plan” with her, and then tell her she’s awesome because she’s a cool, spontaneous person and she’s not like most other girls who are uptight and can’t think outside the box.

In Robert Cialdini’s groundbreaking book “Influence: The Science Of Persuasion,” he writes about a psychological principle called Commitment & Consistency. This means that when we label someone a certain way and get them to agree (commit) to it, they will want to behave in a way that is consistent with that label.

So, when you talk about how cool she is for being spontaneous, she won’t want to act in a way that contradicts that label. This makes it a whole lot easier to persuade her to do “spontaneous” things with you tonight:

“I know you’re a spontaneous girl and there’s this awesome bar nearby that’s great on Thursday nights…we should totally grab a drink there because my friend Joe is bartending and he makes the best Mojitos on the planet. Let’s go.”

“It’s cool that you’re always up for having fun, because on Friday night my friend is throwing a party and it’s going to be awesome. I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock and we’ll have a really fun time.”   

Normally, with a guy she just met, inviting her to these places might cause her to pause and think about reasons not to go along. But when you “label” her early in the conversation as fun, or adventurous, or free-spirited…and reference this from time to time during the conversation…she’ll be much more likely to act in a way that matches that label.

You can label her in all sorts of other ways. For example, if you like going to the beach, and she expresses how much she loves the beach, then you can tell her “I can’t remember the last time I met a girl who loves the beach as much as I do. We’ve got to go to the beach one of these weekends.”

Notice, you said “one of these weekends.” You didn’t specifically say “next Saturday.” Since this sounds totally harmless and vague, she’s bound to say “sure, that sounds like fun.” Although this plan may never happen in reality, these language tactics strengthen your bond with her. It feels to her like a relationship is developing. This isn’t just ordinary small talk between two strangers at a bar; the two of you have plans to do cool things together.

All you need to do is find out an interest you’ve got in common. Then label her. Play up how cool it is that she loves the same thing that you do. Then tell her (don’t ask her) that the two of you are going to hang out and enjoy that activity together.

Another part of this step is building compliance. The idea here is to frame yourself as the leader, and frame her as the follower. Get her comfortable with the idea of you leading the way. Have her grant you small requests at first, which will make her more willing to grant you bigger requests later. Program her to comply with you.

For example, you could be talking to a girl at a bar or club. Then you say…

“Stay here for a minute, don’t move. I need to go say hello to someone real quick.”

“Hold my drink for a minute, I need to step outside and make a quick phone call.”

These “requests” don’t sound like a big deal. And they’re not. But what you’re doing is building compliance. Most guys behave in an opposite manner; they’re trying to comply with whatever the girl wants. (Asking her, “Do you want to sit down?” “Do you need a drink?” “Do you want to go somewhere else?” etc.)

Instead, you want to be the one leading the interaction and having her comply with you. Women feel comfortable around men who take charge and lead. This has nothing to do with acting macho or aggressive. One of the best compliance-building tactics is to simply take her by the hand and lead her to another area of the bar or club. Instead of asking her, “Do you want to go find a place to sit?”, you take her by the hand, say “C’mon, let’s find a seat,” and lead her there.

You can also do this if she says she needs to go to the ladies’ room. Instead of her walking away, and you standing there alone waiting for her to return, take her by the hand and lead her to the ladies’ room. While she’s in there, strike up a conversation with whoever is nearby. When she comes back out, she should see you talking to someone who’s enjoying the conversation (which builds up your social value).