Phase One: Open Her

Phase One: Open Her


Open herDon’t worry too much about what to say first. You don’t necessarily need to say something incredibly clever or interesting. The purpose of the opener is to catch her attention and allow you to transition into the first topic of conversation.

There are endless openers you can use, but they all basically fall under one of two categories:

Neutral Openers. With these, you’re not conveying any sexual or romantic interest. You make an observation (about something she’s wearing, the book she’s reading, etc), or ask her opinion on something, or get her to answer a question.

The key is to make it interesting. It should serve as a springboard to the conversation, and it should allow you to display your personality. If you’re going to ask a question, make it a fun question. (Not, “So where do you work?”)

Neutral openers are most effective if you provide a reason why you felt compelled to say this to her. Notice that in the examples below, you’re using the word “because” to link the opener to the reason.


Compliment opener: “I really like that color/dress/necklace on you. I’d love to know where you bought it because I need to pick up a birthday gift for my friend Samantha. I bet she’d love something like that.”

Opinion opener #1: “You girls look like experts…let me ask you a quick question. How long do you need to be dating a guy before you change the status on your Facebook page from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship?’ Because my friend Jen has been with a guy for about a month, and his Facebook page still says ‘single’…and she’s not sure whether she should say something about it.”

Opinion opener #2: “Let me ask you something real quick. My best friend’s girlfriend tried to kiss me last night and to be honest it was extremely awkward. He’s supposed to meet me here tonight and I don’t know whether to say anything to him…would you?”

Opinion opener #3: “Wow, you have a nice sense of style. Let me ask you—my friend John asked me to go shopping with him tomorrow because he wants me to help him do a ‘fashion makeover.’ He was married for a long time and now he’s single again and wants to get back out there and meet new people. So if you were going to take one of your guy friends shopping for clothes, where would you bring them?”

Notice that in these openers, I’m referring to my friends—John, Jen, etc. It doesn’t matter whether they exist! You can make it up. I’m communicating value by letting the girl know that I am part of a social circle. I buy birthday gifts for them…I accompany them to do “fashion makeovers”…the point is, my friends count on me and I’m there for them. This is a way for you to communicate your social value even when your friends aren’t with you!

Question opener #1: “I have to ask you this because it’s been tormenting me all day—what’s the name of this song? (Sing the “hook” of some song that is super hot right now, or a classic 1980s pop song.)

Question opener #2: “Hey, you’d probably know the answer to this—let me ask you because my friend Jen is coming to town next week and she’s in charge of her best friend’s bachelorette party. She needs to know a really fun place for them to have a girl’s night out. If you were in charge of the party, where would you bring everyone?”

Note #1: Neutral openers work best if you deliver them in an offhand, casual way. You don’t want to seem like you thought this up just to try to start a conversation. Also, you don’t want to walk right up to a girl, look at her straight-on, and ask her. I like to act like I’m walking past the girl (or the group of girls), on my way somewhere else…and then I pause and ask the question, looking back at them over my shoulder. Once they answer and the conversation starts flowing, then I’ll turn and face them directly.

Note #2: Question openers about relationships—specifically, jealousy and what constitutes cheating—work really well, because this is stuff women always have an opinion about. Ask one of these questions to a group of women, and often they will all chime in and you’ll spark an animated group discussion.


I’m standing near a group of girls. I take out my phone, pretending to check a text message and text something back. I turn to the girls and say,

“You girls would know the answer to this. Is my friend Mike wrong for getting mad at his girlfriend? She hacked into his Facebook account and found out that he was emailing with his ex-girlfriend. Nothing bad, they were just chatting about random stuff and keeping in touch, but she was really upset that they’re still talking to each other. And Mike was mad because he felt she violated his privacy. Honestly, if you could get into your boyfriend’s Facebook account, would you check his emails?”

You can come up with endless variations on this same type of theme…

“My best friend Mike has been seeing a girl for about a month and as far as he’s concerned, they’re boyfriend & girlfriend now…but in her Facebook account she’s still got like ten pictures of her and her ex-boyfriend…partying together, on vacation in Hawaii, etc. Mike wants her to delete those pictures but he doesn’t want to say anything because she might get offended. So what’s the ‘rule’ on having Facebook pictures with your ex? When you start a new relationship, should the ‘ex’ pictures get deleted?”

“Let me ask you something real quick. My friend Jen just texted me, and she’s pissed because she found a scrapbook under her boyfriend’s bed and it’s full of pictures of him and his ex-fiancée, and love letters they sent each other, and all these little mementos of their relationship. This may sound funny, but she hates the idea that she’s been sleeping in his bed every night and right there underneath the bed is this scrapbook that’s all about his ex. Do you think she has the right to tell him to toss it in the garbage?”

If these sound a little too long-winded, try a shorter one:

“Do you think kissing someone count as cheating? Because I was with my friend John the other night and he got a bit drunk and wound up kissing some random girl on the dance floor, and he feels bad about it and wants to confess the whole thing to his wife, but if he does she will TOTALLY flip out…”

“Would you let your boyfriend go to a bachelor party if you knew there were going to be strippers there? Because my friend Eric’s wife says there is NO WAY he’s allowed to go this bachelor party we’re both invited to because she thinks some strippers might show up…which is pretty hypocritical, because I heard her bachelorette party was a complete male stripper-fest…”

Or, here’s a funny one that’s actually quite effective…

“Do I look gay?” (Or, “Does this shirt make me look gay?”)

(After she answers, then you can explain the story behind your question. With the “Do I look gay” question, I’ll explain that a gay guy was hitting on me a minute ago in the men’s room. I’ll say “Is it my jeans?” and I’ll turn around and give her a glimpse of my ass. Women find this very amusing.)

Now, here’s the second category of openers…

Flirt Openers. If you’re confident in your game, you can “cut to the chase” and express your interest in her right away. These work best if you’ve already made eye contact with her and exchanged a smile. (You don’t want to surprise her out of nowhere with one of these “direct” lines.)

I use Flirt Openers all the time when I’m at bars and clubs, because I’m confident in my conversation skills. I don’t mind letting her know I’m sexually interested—because I know I can follow it up with great conversation that is going to build her attraction. Flirt Openers can inject a really strong “spark” into the conversation right away, and they demonstrate massive confidence.

Examples of Flirt Openers:

“You are so cute, I had to come over here and say hello.”

“You have a great sense of style—I have to tell you, you look amazing tonight.”

“I can’t think of a good pickup line right now, but if I could, I’d use it on you. You look awesome in that dress.”

The key to using a Flirt Opener is to then immediately transition into a topic of conversation. Attach a question to it, or ask her opinion on something.