Patching the Leaks
I find that analogies are often the best way to help guys (including myself) understand how to work on relationships. Here’s a good one for understanding how we can really fix what went wrong, or at least ensure that it doesn’t go wrong again.
Let’s say you’re on an island with your girlfriend. The island is your relationship. Something happened on the island, and your girlfriend decided that she was better off on a different island somewhere else. Now, it is pointless, in my view, to try to tidy up the island and hope she will come back. That’s not what we are going to do here.
What we want to do is take her to a new island where you can start fresh and baggage-free. In order to do that, we need her to get into our boat, but the boat is full of holes. These holes are the things that your ex was not happy about when you were together last time. Right now, she wants no part of your boat, and no part of your island.
Therefore, we have to patch the leaks in the boat to make sure we can even get her to the new island, which is the relationship that you want to start with her. These leaks are represented by the things we talked about in the last section.
It could be a small leak, like the fact that you don’t like one of her close friends. It could be a bigger leak, like the fact that you got caught cheating. It could be the boring sex life, the lack of communication, the lack of affection, or the annoying personal habits.
Whatever these leaks are, we need to patch them up. When we get her to our new island and start a new relationship with her, it is okay not to be a “perfect” guy. However, to get her to even step into your boat and give you a chance, you will need to be at your best. So we won’t worry about who is right or wrong in these situations, and instead we’ll just patch it all up, no matter what.
All of the things that bothered you about her, or vice versa, need to be set aside so that you can make some progress with her. This is not the time to tell her why you don’t like her friends, or assign blame for issues you have had together. Don’t worry about who is right or wrong. Just patch up the holes.
- If one of the leaks was caused by your infidelity, use your No Contact period to show her you can withstand your urges. Don’t see other girls. (Normally, you should go out and meet other girls during the No Contact period, because it’s one of the steps in the Negative Emotion Neutralizer method. But if you got caught cheating, do not do this. It will only create stronger negative emotions in your ex’s mind.)
- If a leak was caused because of a lack of communication (i.e. she felt you didn’t listen to her), make sure that when it’s time to reach out to her and re-establish contact, you listen to what she has to say, and acknowledge her feelings (show that you understand the way she feels, without agreeing with everything she says or being totally apologetic).
- A leak caused by your messiness is an easy fix. Pick up your crap, do your laundry, stop being a slob. Easy enough, right?
You need to visualize your “new relationship” and how you will not end up in the same place as before. Saying something is one thing, but unless your ex is a fool she will want to see some proof of change. Remember, you want to be an upgraded version of yourself.
I’d like to share with you an excerpt of my book “The Alpha Rules,” which deals with showing emotional strength and handling the emotions of women in an Alpha Male way: