How To Contact Her
I recommend two methods of resuming contact with her: through Facebook, or texting her on your phone. (I realize there are other “social” sites besides Facebook, but let’s face it, Facebook is the site everyone uses these days.)
These two methods allow you to “gauge the temperature” and feel her out. You can contact her in a way that seems low-key and casual, and you’re allowing her time to respond—so that when she does respond, you’ll be able to get a sense of how she’s feeling towards you, and whether she might be missing you (or would rather not hear from you at this time).
If you call her phone and she doesn’t answer, you’re probably going to assume she saw your number and chose to ignore it, which is going to irritate you (whether she actually saw your phone call or not). And if you call her and she does answer, you might be catching her off-guard, or distracting him while she’s in the middle of something. You’re going to be irked if she doesn’t make time to chat with you, or doesn’t sound pleased to hear from you—when in fact, she might have his hands full with something the moment (or might not even have a working cell phone or internet connection at this time!).
The bottom line is, the chances of you calling her out of the blue and catching her at a time, when she’s completely freed up and in the mood to chat, are not very good.
And let’s face it—jumping on a phone call with your ex, after spending this much time out of contact, is nerve-wracking! Your emotions can easily get the better of you. You might blurt out things you didn’t plan on saying, or he might sense your nervousness and think you must be desperate to get back with her. This doesn’t send the right message.
And this is why a cleverly written Facebook message (or text message) is much more likely to get a response from him, and open the door towards a possible reconciliation.
The rules here are simple:
• Be upbeat and friendly.
• Keep it lighthearted. Stick with fun topics—nothing sad or involving a problem you are having.
• Tell her (or show her) something that reminds him of the connection you used to share with her.
• YOU must be the one to end the interaction.
One effective method is to way to start this off is to send her a message that triggers a positive memory in her mind. For example, make her recall a special place or activity that the two of you used to enjoy together.
“Hi, I just grabbed some sushi at that amazing restaurant on Melrose. Made me think of the time we went there with your sister. Hope you’re well.”
(That one is especially powerful because it reminds her of the fact that you know her family—in other words, you’ve got a connection with her that runs much deeper than any of other guys who might be orbiting her.)
“Hey, I just ran into Jeff and Nina. They say hello. Remember that crazy fun weekend we all spent in New York?”
Another method is to send her something funny or random that you know will make her smile, like a hilarious picture or YouTube video. (Surf your friend’s profiles on Facebook, and you might come up with something amusing to share with her.) You know her sense of humor. You know her interests. You can include a subject header (if you’re using Facebook) or a line in your text message that says something like:
“Hey, I thought you’d get a kick out of this. Hope you’re well ?”
If she sends a prompt, friendly reply to your message, that’s a very good sign. But it’s not time yet for you to get into an extended chat with her. If she tries to open up a conversation, give a short, friendly reply and end the conversation for now.
Tell her you have to run. Or that you’re getting into a taxi. Or that you’re at the check-out counter at the grocery store. Or that you have to get back to work. Give a quick reason why you aren’t available to chat. You need to be the one who ends the interaction.
Or, you can trigger her curiosity—and stir up pangs of jealousy—by sending a text that subtly implies that you’re on a date, or about to go on one. You’re not coming out and TELLING her that you’ve got a hot date. You’re planting a seed of an idea in her head, and letting her imagination fill in the rest.
YOU: Hey, quick random question…do you know if the new Angelina Jolie movie is any good? I know you’re a big fan of hers, you’ve probably seen it twice already ?
HIM: I haven’t seen it yet but I really want to. How have you been?
HER: Doing really well. I guess we’ll see that movie tonight then. We’re going to grab a bite to eat first…thanks, hope you’re doing great ?
Notice the use of the word “we” in that example. Who’s this “other person” you’re going to see the movie with? Naturally, your ex is going to assume it’s a woman—which sends the message that you’re moving on and enjoying life.
If you receive a positive response to your first message (as in the examples above), the door is now open. If your message triggered the right emotions inside of her, she might call or email you very soon (i.e. to ask how the movie was).
Again, keep your responses friendly, upbeat and BRIEF. It’s not time to jump into a 30-minute chat session with her. If she wants to chat, I’d give her no more than five minutes, max.
If she’s now reaching out to you with text messages or phone calls, and not just replying to the ones you send, it’s pretty safe to assume she’s thinking about the possibility of getting back together with you. She might suggest meeting up to talk. If she does, and you’re ready to take this step, you should choose the time and place. Pick a location that you’ve been to before, and that you know will be casual and comfortable, and not crowded or noisy.
I’d suggest meeting her for drinks after 7pm. Pick a cozy lounge-bar where you’ll be find comfortable seating and hear each other talk. You can meet her for lunch or coffee as well, but you may be more successful if you arrange this meeting in the evening, rather than during the middle of the day, when her mind might be on other things. Plus, this gives you a reason to dress up a bit, and having a couple of drinks with her (if she drinks alcohol) will help to loosen her up a little. A good lounge-bar will also have a fun, social, relaxed vibe that will help to remove some of the pressure from the situation.
If she doesn’t suggest getting together, then you can send her a message to propose meeting up. The key here is to give a reason why you want to see her, and again, you need to keep it sounding lighthearted and fun.
You might do this by telling her you to share some “good news” with her—and then leave her in suspense about what the news is. Or mention how “the craziest thing happened to me the other day, you’re going to laugh when I tell you…”
As for what this “fun stuff,” “good news” or “crazy thing” is, it doesn’t need to anything super important. It can be something positive that’s been going on with you lately. Maybe you joined some type of new class, or you picked up a new hobby. Perhaps you’re working on an exciting new project at your job (or contemplating a career switch)…one of your mutual friends could have shared some good news with you, or something happened with a couple you both used to know…really, it can be anything.
It isn’t a topic you’re going to dwell on when you meet up with her. The only reason you’re mentioning it in the message is to create a reason to get together with her and build a bit of anticipation.
YOU: Want to grab a bite to eat on Saturday? Got some really funny news to tell you.
HER: Sure ok, what do you want to tell me?
YOU: I’ll fill you in on Saturday. See you at Tribeca Café at 2pm, k?
YOU: Great, I gotta run! See you then ?
The way you phrase this is important. Don’t tell her that you want to “talk.” That sounds too serious. She might be uncomfortable with the idea of having a conversation with you right now about relationship stuff. You want to sound upbeat, positive and casual—like this meeting is no big deal, and there are no strings attached.
You’ve probably got a good idea of what her schedule is like. Suggest a time and location that makes it easy for her to agree to.
If she tells you he’s busy that day, suggest another time. If she puts up resistance and you get the sense that she’s avoiding meeting up with you, don’t act offended. Exit gracefully. Give her more time. If you’re now chatting or texting with her on a fairly regular basis, next week you can come up with another reason to arrange a casual, friendly meetup with her.
The mode of communication you use to contact her is up to you. Some people handle a lot of their day-to-day chatting on Facebook. Others prefer texting. And if you’re not that comfortable with either of those, you can do it it the old-fashioned way and give her a call. Use the style of communication that you used most frequently during your relationship.
Personally, in a situation like this, I prefer texting or chatting online because it allows me to compose my thoughts and say exactly what I want to say.