How To Be Awesome At Talking To Women
Listen in on a typical conversation at a bar between a guy and a girl he’s met, and you’re probably going to hear him ask her a series of questions:
“What’s your name?”
“So what do you do for work?”
“Are you from around here?”
“What do you like to do for fun?”
“What kind of music do you like?”
“What made you decide to become a teacher?”
And so on. He tries to keep the conversation alive by asking fact-based questions, and if she keeps answering them, he thinks he’s making progress. (I call this going into “interview mode” with women.)
Until she starts looking around the room, getting restless…and the guy can sense that he’s running out of time, so he asks for her phone number. She replies that she has a boyfriend (even though she probably doesn’t), and it’s GAME OVER. Another one bites the dust.
He retreats with his tail between his legs, and soon the next guy will take a shot. He asks her name, asks her about her job, maybe offers to buy her a drink, and the cycle repeats…
So why doesn’t that conversational strategy (or lack of strategy) work? Well, there are a few reasons…
It’s completely unoriginal. Nothing about what he is saying is stimulating her imagination or distinguishing him from the last 57 guys who approached her and took a shot. In reality, he could have been a pretty cool guy with a lot to offer. But because he didn’t demonstrate any of this during the conversation, she sees no reason to continue the interaction. So she excuses herself, or blows him off.
Demonstrating your value is very important. When you start a conversation with a woman you’re interested in, you’ve got to show her that you have at least as much value as she does. (We’ll talk about how to demonstrate value in a moment.) The problem with most guys is that they convey lower value. They behave as if the woman is doing them a favor by granting some of her time. This is why guys are often quick to offer to buy a drink—they aren’t confident in what they’re bring to the table, so they attempt to “bribe” her into having a conversation.
The next reason that approach doesn’t work: he’s telegraphing his interest. By asking her these questions (and certainly by offering to buy her a drink), he might as well have a flashing neon sign on his chest saying “I’m hoping to fuck you.” She knows he wants her, and by making this obvious he has surrendered his power and control. He’s not asking her these questions because he’s genuinely interested in knowing the answers. He’s going through those motions because he’s hoping to “get lucky.”
(And for the average guy, it all comes down to getting lucky. Skilled pickup artists don’t need to rely on luck; they execute a plan.)
The comedian Chris Rock has a funny routine about this. He says that when a guy meets a woman and starts asking questions, what he’s really saying beneath the surface is, “Howbout some dick?”
“So what’s your name?” (Translation: Would you like some dick?)
“Can I buy you a drink?” (Translation: Can I interest you in some dick?)
And so on. To put it bluntly, the trick to an effective approach & conversation is not “offering her any dick.” You want to make her curious about you…and where this conversation might lead. But you don’t want to show all of your cards and put her in the position of being able to judge you and decide whether you’re worth talking to.
Another mistake that guy made: the conversation doesn’t seem to be heading anywhere. Women hate feeling “trapped” in conversations with guys they’re not feeling interested in. She knows that as long as she plays along and answers his questions, he’ll keep monopolizing her time. Obviously he has nowhere else to be, and no one else to talk to—which is a sign of a man with low value. If the first three questions he asks are lame and predictable, imagine how boring this conversation will be if she allows it to continue for another half-hour?
He’s not raising her energy level. This conversation gives her nothing to get excited about. She came out tonight hoping to have fun; he’s not providing any. She could have this same conversation with her dentist, or with one of her mother’s friends. She worked hard all week; why should she waste time on a Friday night playing 20 questions with some low-value dude?
He’s not making her feel attraction. This is the big one. There is an art to making women feel attraction through conversation, and once you master it, you’ll never have to go home alone again. Attraction, for women, is not a conscious choice. Sure, they might say they’re attracted to tall guys, guys with muscles, rich guys, cute guys, etc. But when a guy comes along who knows how to flip her attraction switches—even if he looks nothing like her mental picture of “Mr. Right”—she will want to have sex with him.
Women are hard-wired to feel sexually attracted to men who exhibit certain qualities. (We’re talking about biology here. Women today are hard-wired the same way they were 10,000 years ago.) We’ll cover these qualities in a moment—and the good news is, you’ve got them. All men do. It’s just that very few men understand how to showcase these qualities in a way that makes women feel that “sexual spark”—and even fewer know how to present themselves as a challenge that women will actually chase.
The following is a four-step process that will turbo-charge your conversations and take you from the opener, all the way to the “close.” But before I explain the steps, there are some rules you must follow before you make your approach and begin the interaction.
Before You Approach…
Convey social value. This means that from the moment you walk into a bar, party or other social situation, you’re interacting with people. If you’re with friends, loosen up and enjoy yourself. Always be smiling. Lead the conversation and keep your group laughing and engaged in what you are saying. People should notice that your crew is having fun.
Even if you’re accompanied by only one friend, the two of you should be standing up (not parked on a barstool) and engaged in an animated conversation. If you’re alone, strike up a chat with the bartender. If the bartender is too busy to talk, start a conversation with someone. It could be a couple of guys standing nearby. It doesn’t matter. Right now, the women in that place are noticing you. The guy who is sitting alone, or huddled with his friends—scanning the room for women he would like to talk to—is communicating low value.
It gives your approach a big boost if your target has already observed you socializing with people. When I go to my favorite bar, it usually takes me at least 15 minutes to settle in and scope out the girls I want to talk to, because I’m busy being welcomed. The doorman greets me, and we chat for a couple of minutes…then the bartender and the waitresses say hello…and various friends of mine come over and welcome me.
Meanwhile, the women are noticing me. (They’re always looking out for new guys who arrive.) And when I decide to make my move and start talking to a girl, she’s receptive because she has already seen how popular I am. She knows I must have value.
You can demonstrate the same type of value wherever you hang out. It’s simply a matter of befriending the people who work there, and perhaps some of the regular customers who you often see there.
Note, this isn’t necessary. You should never not approach just because she hasn’t seen you demonstrate social value. In a lot of situations, there isn’t any way for you to do so. (Such as when you’re walking down the street and you spot a girl you want to meet.) What this does is give you an edge. If there are venues where you regularly hang out to meet women, you must invest the time and effort to build up a network of friends & allies in that place.
So now you see the girl you want to talk to. This is where the Four Phases start…