What You Absolutely Must NOT Do…
While this has already been mentioned, it’s so important—and such a common pitfall—that it deserves its own section:
If you want to win your ex back, you must not “be friends” with her.
Just because the No Contact phase has ended, and she has decided to meet with you, it doesn’t mean that you can just be BFFs (Best Friends Forever) and start hanging out together all the time. If she wants to hang out, she has to be willing to do so as part of a relationship. If she is now dating someone else, this is even more true.
It’s very easy to think that now that she has contacted you, you can become a part of her life, spend time with her, and work your way back into her heart. But this is the wrong strategy, and will almost always backfire.
Furthermore, we mentioned earlier that if she is now dating someone else, you may be tempted to “be her friend” so that you can somehow sabotage her new relationship from the inside. But think about what you are telling her by doing this! You are telling your ex-girlfriend that you are happy with being on the bench while her new boyfriend is in the game. You are telling her that you’re willing to put your life on hold and wait for her to figure out if she wants you or not.
This is the exact OPPOSITE of what you need to do!
And before you even ask, do not become “cuddle buddies” with her, or anything like it. God, no! If you’re going to allow this woman to use you as some kind of a comforter or teddy bear without getting any of the things (i.e. a relationship) that you want from her in return, you might as well put your balls in a jar right now, because that’s how she will see you.
She won’t respect you, and why should she?
There is another related issue that we need to discuss. Should you become “friends with benefits” with her? For instance, is it okay to go over to her place and have sex, even if she is not ready to get back together? It sounds like an okay deal, right?
No, it really isn’t. If you don’t care if you ever actually have a relationship with her again, then sure. Go right ahead. But if you want to actually be together again in the future, you have to put her in the position to make a choice. You don’t do that when you allow her to pick and choose what parts of a relationship she gets from you.
What about if she is seeing someone? Surely you can mess around with her then if given the chance, right? It will help end the other relationship and make you number one again…right?
If you’re content to resume a physical relationship with her while she has a boyfriend on the side, you’re just letting her use you. That’s not the way to get back into a relationship with her.
Again, the whole point of not being friends with her, of not cuddling with her, of not going to the movies with her or being “friends with benefits,” is that you cannot allow her to have her cake and eat it too. You must force her into a decision. If she wants those things, she must give you what you want: a relationship with her. Make her make that decision.
Keep Working At It
Your job is not over once you have successfully won her back. If you’re not careful, you can easily end up right back where you started—and if you think getting your ex back was hard the first time, wait until you have to do it yet again.
With each breakup, your next try with her will have less and less security, and your relationship will be less likely to work in the long-term. Furthermore, she will be less susceptible to your strategy, because she will slowly get used to being without you.
It’s all too easy to fall back into the comfortable rhythm of your old relationship with an ex. However, we’ve already acknowledged in earlier chapters that your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, no matter how much you romanticize it, was broken in some way. It was not perfect, and that is why you ended up apart. You don’t want to let that happen again.
If you let it happen again, all this work was for nothing, and you’re back at square one. Does that sound like fun? Of course not. So let’s go ahead and make sure that doesn’t happen.
Now That You’ve Got Her Back…
You’ll be understandably ecstatic when you finally realize that you have achieved your goal, and won back your ex. However, make sure to temper this enthusiasm with the understanding that realistically, your new relationship is a very fragile thing.
Remember, it was not all that long ago that you were broken up, and your girlfriend did not want to be with you. While her urge to be back with you was obviously strong, you are still on shaky ground.
One thing that is important to know is that many people simply cannot (or will not) change. If you’re hoping that your girlfriend will be a new person without the faults that may have driven you crazy before, you will likely be disappointed. At the same time, for most people, seeing effort is good enough as long as it is sincere. If you can tell that she’s trying to be a better girlfriend, and she can likewise see that you are working on solidifying your relationship, it will go a long way toward long-term stability.
Also, be careful early on about discussing your original breakup. She may still feel justified about what she did, which means you may end up not liking what she has to say (or vice versa). This can spark an argument that really won’t serve any purpose.
Furthermore, if one or both of you dated other people during the time that you were broken up, avoid talking about it, asking about it, criticizing each other about it, and so on. This is a very petty, easy way to end up right back where you started—broken up all over again. You should both agree and accept that when you decide to get back together, the past is just that—the past.
Don’t Lose Her Again!
You don’t have to be a dream guy to keep your girlfriend around this time. Also, you don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not (i.e. a tough guy, the cool guy who doesn’t give a crap, etc.) to keep her interest in the long-term.
I told you to play up your confidence in the beginning stages of this strategy, and hopefully you will now feel more confident permanently. Just keep in mind, it was never expected that you play any kind of role other than a more confident, improved version of yourself.
Sooner or later, you’ll both let your guard down and start to get comfortable again. This is a good and bad thing all wrapped up into one. Why? Well, it’s good because while you don’t want to appear too vulnerable or needy early on, intimacy is an important part of any relationship, and you cannot succeed as a couple if you both have your guards up all the time.
On the other hand, being comfortable often takes upon a different meaning within a long-term relationship. Many times, it becomes “letting your bad habits show” or “losing affection for one another.” But it doesn’t have to be that way! Let’s be realistic: are you going to fart around her occasionally? Sure. That’s not really what this is about. We’re talking more about those really bad habits that helped cause the original breakup. We’re talking about the types of faults that each of you have, that led to heartbreak and shattered trust.
Furthermore, you must take steps this time to keep the passion alive between the two of you. Doing simple things like taking better care of yourself, making sure you get out for regular “date nights” (especially if you have kids!), and finding things to do together that you both enjoy will keep things fresh and fun.
Look to re-build your “us-ness,” which means things you two share only with each other. Find new favorite restaurants, activities, places to visit, and so forth while also revisiting the old ones that you enjoyed in the past. This will strengthen your bond as a couple and help keep these kinds of problems from cropping up again.
Furthermore, it will ensure that you’re strong enough as a couple to disagree and survive the experience.
After all, there will be problems and disagreements in your relationship. That’s a given. The key is to learn to treat each other with respect (thereby making sure little things don’t get blown out of proportion), and to have a secure enough relationship that you know that every little spat is not going to result in another lengthy and painful breakup.
Hopefully, this book has been a great help for you in your journey toward winning back your girlfriend for good. No one likes to be in the position of having the girl they love break up with them, and it can truly be a desperate, helpless feeling when it does happen.
We’ve been through it ourselves. Back then we would have really benefitted from some sound advice, and that’s why we wanted to provide the knowledge that we’ve gained from both experience and research to help others.
The goal has always been not only to help you to win back your girlfriend, but also to re-build a much stronger, healthier relationship based upon not only trust and security, but your own renewed commitment to self-improvement. Even if your relationship does not work out in the long run, one thing that we’d like everyone to take away from this book is that they must not neglect themselves. You should always devote time to improving yourself.
Similarly, this book can be used as a cautionary tale for too quickly and easily making a girlfriend the center of your entire world. We all become consumed in relationships from time to time, but you must make sure that you retain a balance in your life that allows you to keep up with your friendships, responsibilities, and activities that you enjoy doing.
A good woman does not want a glorified lapdog, but instead wants a well-rounded person with interests, goals, and friends of their own.
Remember, while we can give you the tools and strategies, the execution is ultimately up to you. That makes this whole thing a team endeavor, because you will only truly get out of it what you are willing to put into it. In that way, this strategy for winning your girlfriend back for good is a lot like a relationship itself. Without effort on your part, you won’t go very far.
Again, we hope this book has assisted you and that your efforts end with the result you have been hoping for. If you have further questions, we have included a helpful FAQ section that tackles some of the most common questions we’ve gotten from guys just like you in the past. Thanks for reading, and best of luck.
Frequently Asked Questions
I messed up and yelled at my girlfriend because I was angry about her breaking up with me. How will that affect my strategy to win her back?
In many ways, it won’t. It’s easy to let our emotions get the best of us, especially right after a breakup. It’s not easy hearing that your girlfriend does not want to be with you any longer, and it’s even harder to hear the criticism that comes from the “reasons” that she is no longer interested. Your reaction is pretty common.
You should go with the strategy laid out in this book (with no-contact being most important), but before you begin no-contact, you should consider calling her to apologize for your reaction. Be a gentleman, wish her the best and do not leave the door explicitly open for her to come back. In other words, resist the urge to say something like, “If you change your mind, give me a call.” It sounds weak and will not help your cause. Tell her you apologize the way you talked to her, that you respect her decision, and wish her luck.
She will be impressed with your maturity and it will end things on a much better note while you start your no-contact period, which greatly increases your chances of a positive reaction when she contacts you in the future.
I want to lean on my friends a bit for support, but all the want to do is talk shit about my ex, and I don’t want to hear it. How should I deal with them?
Believe it or not, your friends are just showing you their support in their own way. Remember, your friends do not have the same romantic feelings and attachment that you have to your ex-girlfriend (well, hopefully not, anyway). Therefore, they will not have the reason or incentive to forgive her for kicking you to the curb as easily as you might. They will take your side, and they think by doing so they are being good friends.
You can handle this a couple of ways: you can tell them you just don’t want to hear about your ex because you’re trying not to think about her, or you can tell them that you understand why they are not happy with her, but you still care for her and eventually want to be with her, so they should respect that.
Personally, we would do both. If you say something like, “Look, guys…I know you hate her for breaking up with me, but I do eventually want to get back with her again. I want you to respect that. In the meantime, let’s just talk about something else, because I’m trying to get over the breakup and you really aren’t helping by bringing her up every five minutes.” That should take care of it.
My girlfriend and I had a pet fish/cat/iguana/whatever together. Is it okay if I go to her place to see it?
Um, no. It really isn’t. Look, I know people love their pets, but a pet isn’t exactly a child, where you need to have visitations set up and make sure you are still in their life. While I can understand the attachment to the pet, having “visitation times” for each of you to spend with the pet is the worst kind of melodramatic, honestly.
You’re actually better off if she keeps the pet, if you want to know the truth. Here’s why: you bought the pet together. There is nothing she can do to erase the fact that that pet was both of yours. For couples who don’t have kids, pets are usually treated like a “trial child,” in that a childless couple will role-play and pretend that the pet is their kid together. (Guys don’t always look at the pet that way, but women love to do so.)
As long as she’s around that pet, she will be thinking of you whenever she pets it, feeds it, takes care of it, or even sees it. She can hide your pictures, she can throw away that stuffed animal you got her for Valentine’s Day last year, but the pet will be there, reminding her of you. It will actually be a big help in getting her to reach out to you during the no-contact period.
Help me out here…I cheated on her, she broke up with me, and now she’s dating someone else. I want to get her back, but I feel like it would totally ruin my chances if I started dating a new girl. At the same time, I’m tired of being alone and part of me wants to start dating again. What do you suggest?
Absolutely go out and date…if you are okay with never winning back your ex, that is.
The thing is that you violated her trust. That is a pretty serious thing to women, and she is not going to give you the slightest chance if you cannot prove to her that you are capable of, well, keeping it in your pants for a while.
If the first thing you do when she breaks up with you is go hook up with some skanky chick, what does that say to her? We all know what she’ll be thinking, and that’s that you haven’t changed one bit. You’ve confirmed in her mind that you’re a dog, and that you can’t be trusted because you’re thinking with the wrong organ.
It’s almost better for the future of your relationship if she dates someone else for a while. You’ll look good in her eyes when she realizes that even though she was dating someone else, you passed up on those opportunities because you only wanted to be with her. Furthermore, since she will have dated someone else, it puts you on much more equal ground when you re-start your relationship together.
All this talk about “taking control” of the relationship sounds a little too “old-school” and chauvinistic for me. Isn’t there another way to approach things?
No, there really isn’t.
The thing is, you don’t have to be chauvinistic or “old-school” in order to take control and show your confidence to your ex-girlfriend. What we’re really doing is not looking as if we’re timid, unsure of ourselves, needy or weak. No matter how independent and modern your ex-girlfriend is, no woman is attracted to a timid, needy guy.
So, you don’t have to act like some kind of “alpha male” around your ex. We’re just talking about being decisive, not showing a lack of confidence, not being needy, and looking like a guy who is sure of himself. It doesn’t mean you have to start talking about her belonging in the kitchen, or that you need to rant and rave about how women shouldn’t be able to vote. Just be confident and show that you can be decisive.
I’m already perfect. How am I supposed to improve myself for Step 3?
Okay, I’ll play along. Let’s say that you are, for lack of a better term, perfect. In that case, humor me and think of something that your girlfriend wanted to see more of out of you. You may think she’s crazy, but she’s also the one you are trying to impress and lure back into your life—so go ahead and improve upon what she would tell you to improve upon. How’s that?
When the no-contact phase ends, is it okay for me to meet her at her place?
Avoid this at all costs. We know what you’re thinking: “Hey, if it all goes well, maybe I’ll stay the night! Heh, heh.” Yeah, well, allow us to illustrate for you the very real disadvantages of going to her place for your first meeting after the no-contact period.
For one thing, we’re 99% sure that she’ll be the one to suggest her place as a possible meeting spot. If you recall, you are supposed to take charge and choose the date, place, and time—not her. It may seem like a big deal, but doing this shows initiative and confidence, and she will go along with it. Therefore, if you are meeting at her place, I am quite sure that you messed up and did not do that part of Step 5.
Also, her place means that you are at her home court, her home field, her territory. Ever so subtly, you are giving her the power. Think about it…how many times will a boss schedule a one-on-one meeting with you in your office? That won’t happen. He or she will summon you to their office, instead. It’s a power move and it reminds you who is in control. You are supposed to be in control when meeting with your ex-girlfriend.
Finally, you should choose a location that does not have a lot of previous memories, like her place doubtlessly does. Also, if you meet at her place you’re more likely to be interrupted by a roommate, visitor, etc. You may also be distracted by your surroundings (i.e. checking things out for signs that a guy has been there, looking to see if she has taken down pictures of you, etc.). It’s just a bad idea, really.
Why can’t I have sex with my ex-girlfriend if she’s okay with it? Doesn’t that give me the power since she’s coming to me for sex? How would I be the one being taken advantage of in that situation?
A lot of guys think that if they can be “friends with benefits” with their ex, they are actually winning, somehow. Now, if you have no intentions of getting back with her, there is no problem. However, if you want to actually have a serious relationship with your ex-girlfriend again, having sex without starting a new relationship is a terrible idea.
Do you “have the power” if she comes to you for sex? Not if your goal is to resume a relationship with her. If you’re not accomplishing that goal, you’re not really in control of the situation.
You may not feel “used”, but that is exactly what is going on. You want a relationship, and instead, she’s allowing you to have one piece of it (albeit a really great piece) instead of the whole thing. She’s withholding everything else from you, therefore she has the power.
My girlfriend and I just got back together and we’re already arguing. What should I do?
If you’re arguing about the past, you simply need to stop. Tell her clearly and firmly that if you’re going to be together, you’ll both have to move on and stop discussing what went wrong in the past. If you’ve done everything else right, you should be able to put your foot down on this issue and she should comply, because she should be the one who chased you down to get back together.
If you’re arguing with her about other topics, that’s probably beyond the scope of this book. There are thousands of things you could be arguing about. We’ll give you one important tip, though: don’t make arguments personal. So many times, an argument starts over a little thing and blows up very quickly because the argument is not “about” the little thing anymore—it’s about your personalities clashing, or someone feeling disrespected. Avoid getting unnecessarily emotional in arguments, and you’ll be taking a big step in the right direction.