You Live Together

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Let’s discuss these in order. Later on, we’ll talk about some of these exceptions in more detail, but for now we want you to know exactly what type of contact (if any) would be advisable for your situation.

Exception 1: You Live Together

Of the situations described above, living together makes things the most difficult. Perhaps you were previously roommates who started dating, but then the breakup occurred and you’re still living together. Or you’ve been living together in a place like New York City (where I used to live), where it takes time to find a decent new apartment to move into. Perhaps she or you simply haven’t had time to consider other arrangements. In any case, there are specific ways to deal with these situations.

First of all, acknowledge the advantages and disadvantages of living with her during this time. Obviously, strict no-contact is not possible if you’re sharing a residence. However, there is a possible advantage here: if you demonstrate that you’re moving on and appear to be content and confident, she has to notice, which isn’t always the case with a strict No Contact period. The disadvantage is that it will be extremely hard for you to maintain your strategy when she is around you much of the time.

If you’re still sharing a residence, she may do things that upset you. She may go out on dates; she may go out at night and not come back until late (or not at all). No matter how curious you are, you cannot ask what she is doing, where she is going, or who she is going to be with. If she wants to be “broken up,” those are the rules and you both must abide by them. That means that you also owe her no explanations, and you should not offer any.

Don’t go out of your way to mention that you’ve got a date tonight. Trust me, if you get dressed up and head out for the evening without giving her any explanation, she’s going to feel curious…and probably jealous. She’ll assume you’re hanging out with another woman.

The key here is that you want her to wonder what you are doing, while not giving her the impression that you are concerned with her life. If you can pull it off and not show any moments of weakness, you can continue to live with her while laying the groundwork for reconciliation. In your interactions with her, be cordial, friendly, and always appear to be happy with your life. Don’t just pretend that you have things to do; make sure that you really do have things going on in your life. This is definitely not a time for you to be lounging on the couch for hours, playing video games!

Avoid the temptation to be rude to her. Don’t bring up your relationship, and while you can discuss getting back together if she initiates it, otherwise state nicely that you don’t want to dwell on what happened, and you think it’s best if you both just move on. Whatever you do, don’t slip into the role of her new “best friend” and shoulder to cry on. You may live together, but she still needs to understand that your relationship is an all-or-nothing deal: if she isn’t going to be with you romantically and sexually, you’re not going to give her the benefits she was getting during the relationship.

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